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January 11th, 2006
05:33 pm - colossi
Why dont you see it? why dont you see how brilliant everything is? its all lit up. its blinding. there is this beauty in pain/ henry miller said that the light of greece obliterates ugliness/ i read that and i think the light reveals the beauty of ugliness you just have to look at the details look closer oh i cant wait until you see it
Current Mood: ugly
Current Music: every sound ever every sound at once
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August 9th, 2005
11:30 pm - its afunny thing
i spent the last week feeling like a had a cannonball shot through my stomach. i think its gone and im glad of it. although the different perspective was appreciated. i get filled up with so many different feelings that i shrug alittle and become indifferent to everything no matter how much i try and protest a book brought me out of the whole strange and bland funk i had been in i have a job
and i practice again
i read for pleasure
i have a whatever will be will be attitude but i dont know about the whole fate business i mean i am just another animal its been comforting to be so content with the way my life is shaping up every morning i make myself eggs i unwrap the tin foil around glossy dark yellow cheese and cut thick pieces off from the corner most little triangles that i flip into the whisked eggs
its satisfying to move the eggs around in the pan and watch as they slowly form into a scrambled golden
heap that molds to my slightest whim i put too much cream in my coffee and stir with the tip of my finger its too hot to touch, but that only eggs me on i look in a dirty mirror to gather my hair up symmetrically and put on a pleasing face for the customers mr anderson wants me to start pinning back my bangs i wish they werent so unruly each time i push them back behind my left ear the tension builds util they coming springing back with purpose gaining more and more waves each time apparently not looking your age can gain one many perks in life the taco time baby =remembering to say each thankyou and yourwelcome as each moment presents itself grabbing mints for later use theyre green and white and taste like shit but its better than a cassita burrito life should be better than this i think sometimes but there isnt much sense in it being so there has to be pain and pleasure and it seems to me that pleasure is the more destructive of the two im so glad i read that one
i talk to the wind my words are all carried away
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/optimistic.gif) oh
Current Music: king crimson
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May 7th, 2005
09:08 am
he cleared his throat in anticipation of the solutes to come. with a wavering frame of mind he moved the spoon in sweeping gestures. life seemed fairly in order. while crunching generic cocoa krispies he mapped out his remaining routine. next: brisk walk then: groceries later: oh he didnt know about later
he liked to keep later ambiguous, it kept him going from day to day. today is just as i imagine perfect days he thought and gulped down some cold cold milk. gentle breeze, check. blue sky, check. white marshmallows spaced at appropriate intervals in the sky, check. and he wasnt in love. feelings weighed life down usually. and this was a day for a light manner. time for the walk. a mile radius in every diretion from the apartment. he avoided animals. really, he avoided nature in general on these walks. walking along the busiest streets and keeping eyes glued to the dirty pavement or the mechanical faces he got his satisfcation efficiently. it was a perfect day perhaps, but he wouldnt allow himself to enjoyit during the walk. maybe later. sometimes when he got in from the walk he felt sideways. it was too expected back home. but routine was all he had nowadays. the door clicked behind him and he sighed and. i am supposed to do something. what is it? it was screaming inside. thinking back he remembered all the faces. he kept himself so far away. and it hurt a little. no it it it was crippling his spirit. andhe knew it andhe kept on with the aloof act. all of the faces he didnt know a single thing about. he wanted to surround himself suddenly with people with strange people he ran out of the apartment. sweat dripped off his nose when he passed the walking radius. he stooped low to stroke a passing mut. he laughed a good deal. and just kept running. he got this notion of running past civilizatiion. hed miss the bodies and the faces but hed ah he didnt know and couldnt figure out his minds workings while he ran so goshdarn-ded fast. he had been in love once or twice before with one or two average girls withaverage hair and eyes average hearts and eyes and eyes he felt love now. it is pulling me down he panickeked a little.average eyes. he knew what to do later. he turned around and strolled now. he tooka route to lose himself but find average eyes. everybody needs it.but only for a minutte andonly average. and so it came to be that he stumbled into average eyes #2 quite purposefully. she was less average than he remembered. momentarily she seemed striking even. life was fairly in order. he had his eyes and he could look into hers. he liked seeinghimself through her pupils. but he didnt see her really. he thinks he needs it. andshe knows he does. he needs it.and so he has a routine again but he still hasnt figured out later
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/loved.gif) intuitive
Current Music: sonic youth......all of daydream nation
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May 1st, 2005
05:48 pm - ah
mr. stanley donwood inspires me once again. stay tuned.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/satisfied.gif) oh so good
Current Music: animal collective
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February 20th, 2005
06:31 am - swoosh we are not robots
it has been a while, hasn't it...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/lethergic.gif) aware
Current Music: the album leaf...over the pond
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January 24th, 2005
08:05 pm - vinyl
i feel so useless. overwhelmed by doubt and a sense of compassion. ich mochte nach Hause fahren.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/morose.gif) morose
Current Music: igloo. #2
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January 16th, 2005
06:43 pm - we should become more adventurous
16 it should be my number. i want to wrap myself in melodies. i wish they could be my own. but i am an amateur. coffee. two lumps, two tablespoons creamer. stirred thoroughly. the butter on the toast has been spread sparingly. watching my figure. a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice is set neatly beside today's paper. scan the front page - seem interested - concerned - anything. and now i have a starting point. ich weiss, dass ich die Wirklichkeit liebe, aber ich war mude...ich war mit mir krank...
i guess i know what i am going to do with my life.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/okay.gif) last
Current Music: gerschwin...rhapsody in blue
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January 9th, 2005
12:07 pm - characters and viewpoint
i wrote something. i think i am going to stick with it this time. i feel like it has potential. i stood on a frozen lake. and i glided. my organs lately keep finding reasons to swell all at once. if you know what i mean. for a second there everything just became so damn clear. i knew it could never last. well. i will find out sooner or later.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/curious.gif) mixed salad
Current Music: mice parade...focus on the rollercoaster
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December 29th, 2004
10:39 pm - never die never care
of course a ghost could not effect/affect this world.
because even the people that you call your friends can fuck you over in the subtlest ways it'll be your comfort that you're always alone they never cared about you anyways they never cared they never cared so much as when you lost your way...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/crushed.gif) crushed
Current Music: the velvet teen...see last lines of entry
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December 27th, 2004
09:24 pm - she made the grandma squares while pregnant with my long lost brother paul
humbug. but i love unwrapping presents. i am so weary. yesterday...maybe the day before...i went around town taking snapshots of anything and everything that caught my eye. i ran out of film before reaching the hobbit house. on the hill that leads up to rucker's mansion i stopped my car in the middle of the street and got out music blasting to capture the essence of everett from up high...some random car came up behind me and i had to take the picture without as much preparation as i would have desired and jump back into the car. but i got it nonetheless. god, i really am weary. and i want to do something so badly. my mother made the mistake of loaning me the car for the night. blushing do not know why. missing something. know why.
the quilt was as old as my mother. her grandmother had made it during one of the many famines of that region and given it as a blanket to cover the dead in their beds. my grandmother had added less morbid patches when it became certain that no one would be lost. a skinny girl from her start my mother had always been awkward. she blossomed late. maybe 18. but she was slender so all the boys admired her. her husband had courted her years and years before she would even hear talk of marriage. she did not want to be tied down. a city girl. still is, only tired and old. i was born almost immediately. some questioned the legitimacy of my birth. but, they took it in stride. god knows how. when the hard times had struck, they stopped us going to church. the sermons weren't missed among the children. we all believed as strongly as ever. that quilt was black. none of the children knew what it had been crafted for. i remember fighting with my brother and sister, boris and clara, to get a chance to snuggle with it while listening to the radio. the weight dripped off our backs. the roof leaked and the rain dripped into so many rusty pans. it was a bad year. all the blankets were soaking one night. clara cried and cried. her face was red from all that crying. i wanted to hug her, but my parents gave us kids this look. we knew what they meant. they didnt want no reason to hate life. nobody should hate life. cant understand how the boy across the way could just just just tie that rope. we were naive. i think he was too. mother left us the night after that boy died. she went to the city, i say that still. father told us she drowned in the river. boris laughed, no he chuckled at that. what a strange boy he was. i guess middle kids are though. he gave up fighting for the quilt. so now clara and i locked in a battle till death right. but no. she is fine lasts though that famine. and things get better. sure we fight over the dumb thing, but we manage taking turns and all that. but she falls plum dead. daddy wallowed but he didnt cry or nothing. he was so quiet for so many days after. i could not even bring myself to look at that damn quilt. it was black and those patches stained with rain water. we buried her. and some relatives cried. i tripped over a root in the graveyard. a boy saw me do it and i blushed something awful. so things were changing. and i missed her, thats still true. but that damn quilt. i put it away. its in a ttrrrrrrrrrrrunk, locked.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/acedia/littlegent/contemplative.gif) phat
Current Music: roguewave...falcon settles me
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